You've Got 0 Messages
by beautiful little fool
Summary: HG and DM are both hardworking divorce attorneys in the wizarding world. What happens when troubled couples bring them together and they get more than they bargained for. DMHG. Written in formats of mail, phone calls, etc. Based on Laws of Attraction.
1. The Malfoy Divorce

**A/N: **Hey, everyone. I've come back with a different story. This one is written in a much different format from all my other stories. It's written in the way someone would communicate through mails, phone calls or just direct dialogs. I'm also working on two other stories at the moment, a one-shot and a Hermione's POV piece. Even though I had other stories to work on I started this to busy myself and have fun at the same time without being stressed out. It's based loosely around _Laws of Attraction _and a bit of _You've Got Mail _(not much though). It's a fun piece for me and I hope it is for you as well.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything recognizable.

**YOU'VE GOT 0 MESSAGES**

**By: Gallaz**

**Summary: **"Draco, I just want you to know that as your mother I have always loved you. And again as your mother, I will continue you to love you, perhaps a little bit more, especially since Miss Granger will humiliate you in court." (Loosely based on _Laws of Attraction._)

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Malfoy Divorce**

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Hermione Granger

From: Anne Granger (your mother)

Subject: Lunch

Dearest daughter of mine,

I was wondering how you'd feel about a lunch together tomorrow. What with you working day and night, I feel as if we hardly spend time anymore. It depresses me, really, not being able to communicate with my only daughter.

Sympathize with your dear old mother for once, Hermione, and meet me at the Key. Looking forward to seeing you again.

Love,

Your mother

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Mother of Mine

From: Daughter of Yours

Subject: RE: Lunch

Mum,

I'm sorry if I haven't been visiting you and Daddy lately. It's just I've been overloaded with new divorce cases. Who knew divorce was so popular in the wizarding community? I certainly didn't.

Lunch sounds wonderful. I haven't had time for a real one the past few weeks, but I think I can find time for this one just this once. Besides, we have a lot to catch up on and I've got so much to tell you about my newest case. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow at noon, Mum.

Looking forward to an actual lunch,

Hermione

* * *

"_Hi, this is Hermione. Leave a message if you wish, but don't be offended if I don't return your call. I'm tired and my bony fingers are not up to pushing numbered buttons."_

Beep!

"_Hi, Hermione, this is Ginny. Harry, Ron and I were wondering if you wanted to get together tomorrow night at the Three Broomsticks and catch up. It's been a while since we've seen you, and we think it would do you a world of good if you came out for a night. You've done nothing but hole yourself up in your office, and you need to relax and have a night of fun with your friends. Call me back when you get this."

* * *

_

_Ring, ring._

_Ring, ring._

"_Ginny Weasley, Department of Auror Training, how may I help you?"_

"_Oh, very professionally done, Gin."_

"_...Hermione, is that you?"_

"_The one and only."_

"_Oh, Merlin, hi!"_

"_Hi."_

"_It's been ages since we've had a decent conversation."_

"_It has."_

"_I'm glad you decided to call. I was beginning to miss your nags."_

"_I'm touched, Ginny, really, I am. Wait one moment, would you? I've got to find myself a hanky so I can blow my nose."_

"_Oh, ha ha."_

"_I thought so."_

"_So who threatened you to ring me up?"_

"_You."_

"_So you did get my message from last night, didn't you?"_

"_Indeed, I did."_

"_And you're just calling now? After about sixteen hours since the said message was recorded?"_

"_I was busy, Gin, sorry."_

"_It doesn't matter now that you've called back. So will you be able to make it tonight?"_

"_I'm afraid not."_

"_What? Why not?"_

"_I've got work-"_

"_Hermione, you _always_ work! You need a break from it once in awhile!"_

"_I would've been able to make it if it were on any other night."_

"_..."_

"_I have a meeting with a client tonight."_

"_You choose your clients over your friends?"_

"_No! It's not like that! Not at all! Just try to understand, Ginny. She's a huge client, and I can't afford to lose this case. I'd be killed if I did!"_

"_..."_

"_Ginny, I'm really sorry. I really am, but this client really is important. I mean, this is, after all, Naricissa Malfoy we're talking about he-"_

"_Narcissa Malfoy?"_

"_Yes-"_

"_She's getting a divorce from Lucius Malfoy!"_

"_Yes, and will you please keep your voice down! I can't have the whole world knowing! Her decision to file for divorce hasn't even been made official to the press yet!"_

"_But why?"_

"_It's confidential, Gin."_

"_Hermione, I deserve to know the reason as to why I will be stood up by my best friend tonight."_

"_Gin – Okay, fine. Well, apparently, she and Lucius have irreconcilable differences and the male Malfoy has committed adultery."_

"_A sexual affair, eh?"_

"_That's another way to put it, yes."_

"_I always knew their marriage would never really last, and I had always imagined it would be the question of Lucius's commitment that would end it."_

"_Well, at least it lasted for a good solid twenty-six years."_

"_Yeah, but still..."_

"_Look, I'm sorry, but I've got to go. I'm having lunch with my mum soon. Please don't tell anyone else about what I've told you, even though the Daily Prophet will be all over it by tomorrow morning."_

"_I won't."_

"_And I really am sorry I won't be able to make it tonight."_

"_I know, and don't feel sorry."_

"_Give both Harry and Ron a kiss from me."_

"_Of course."_

"_We'll talk later."_

"_I'll call."_

"_I'll be waiting. Bye."_

"_Bye."

* * *

_

"Hermione! I'm so glad you could make it."

"Hi, Mum. It's been awhile since we last saw each other, hasn't it?"

"Right you are. So how have you been?"

"Alright, I suppose. I've been working loads, but I love it."

"You really need to find time for yourself, darling. You look positively drained."

"Yes, well..."

"Now, you mentioned something about a new case? Who's the lucky soon-to-be divorcée?"

"Erm, Narcissa Malfoy."

"That sounds lovel – _Narcissa Malfoy!"_

"Mum! Keep your voice down will you?"

"I'm sorry, but did you just say Narcissa _Malfoy_?"

"I did."

"But I thought these Malfoys despised Muggleborns."

"Yes-"

"I bet she came crawling to you after figuring out you were the best divorce attorney out there."

"Mother, I'm not the best-"

"Oh, hush. You are the best and I will hear nothing else of it."

"Mum-"

"Say, have you found anyone to bring to the Christmas party?"

"No, I'm afraid I haven't had the time."

"You'd better find some time soon. The party's only just two weeks away, and I will not have you show up alone."

"No one would be interested in me, Mother. You might as well get used to the idea of me showing up at your parties and balls alone."

"What do you mean no one would be interested in you?"

"I mean, no one would be-"

"Of course they'd be interested in you."

"Mum, I know that people don't like people like me. I'm too controlling, bossy even, and men don't like that. They like the freedom of doing whatever they like."

"Hermione, you may be a bit controlling, but you're still a beautiful and wonderful person. Why can't you see that? I do, your father does-"

"Yes, but it's necessary for you to say that. I bet you no one else sees it."

"What are you talking about? Of course others see it, just as clearly as your father and me. You and I walk down a street, and all male heads turn towards you."

"They don't-"

"Oh, they do. You're just not willing to let yourself see that because you're afraid of getting hurt. You don't want others to get close to you because you're afraid that they'll be capable of doing what Viktor did to you."

"I don't want to talk about Viktor. Not now, not ever."

"Hermione, we are going to discuss this without those childish tantrums of yours you tend to put out on public display."

"I do not throw temper tantrums-"

"Darling, Viktor may have cheated, but it doesn't mean all men are like that. He's just one out of millions and maybe even billions. Not all men are the same."

"..."

"Hermione?"

"I-it's just that I want to be able to prevent the pain, and if I lock myself up at home or work like mad, I feel like I can control it better."

"Hermione, you need to move on and forget about what happened because if you don't, the Granger line of witches, wizards or anything magical will die out and you will die a lonely old woman with twenty cats. Your father and I would really love a grandchild or two to spoil. You were never one to take gifts or complements very well."

"I love you too, Mum."

"Of course you do. Let's just hope you love me enough to produce me some grandchildren."

* * *

Dear Draco,

Your mother has decided to file for divorce and has decided to ask for the help of one Hermione Granger. It seems she's one of the best in wizarding England and has not lost a case since graduating from Wizarding Harvard.

I have failed to find a divorce attorney in the United Kingdom that could match the caliber of your mother's new lawyer and that is why I am writing this letter. I ask you to return to England at once for I have decided to hire you as my divorce attorney, that is if you are willing to take the job. I know of your success in America, but I assure you, you'll find just as much success back here in England.

Please respond as quickly as possible, Draco.

You father,

Lucius Malfoy.

* * *

"_Hello, you've reached Narcissa Mal – er – Black. I'm much too busy divorcing and planning revenge upon my husband to answer your call right now, but say whatever is on your mind and I'll consider calling you back. Perhaps."_

Beep!

"_Mother, I cannot believe you! Have you finally lost your mind and filed for divorce! How many times have I told you not to turn to divorce? How many sodding times! _

"_In case you don't already know, Father's hired me as his attorney and I have a suspicion this is going to get messy, especially since Hermione Granger's your lawyer now! Oh, Gods, Mother! Why divorce andWHY Granger? Really, Mother! GRANGER? You have no idea how much pain and betrayal I am going through at this moment! I mean, Granger of all people? _

"_Mother, we need to have a serious talk and maybe squeeze in some sanity back into your head because this is complete and utter madness and it seems you have finally stopped thinking clearly. I, for one, am most certainly not ready to check you into a mental institution just yet, so you'd better get yourself prepared for a very _long _chat!"

* * *

_

Father,

I have accepted your offer and will be arriving in England at the end of the week. I suppose I'll have to reside at the Manor for the time being while I search for a suitable home. We'll have to discuss the case further during my stay.

Draco

* * *

"_I've got better things to do than listen to you whine and babble – like bringing my mother out of the madhouse she calls her sanity, for one. My mother has lost her bloody mind, in case you didn't already know. She's a raving lunatic, and she must be saved at once. Oh, bugger! I'm starting to sound like the bloody Boy-Who-Lived! What do I know about saving people? So anyway, all in all, I'm busy and far too preoccupied to answer the sodding phone. Say what you need to say, then wait a year or two, and perhaps you'll get a call back."_

Beep!

"_Draco Malfoy! That message is outrageously appalling! I am deeply offended, and ashamed that you'd say such horrible things about your own mother, who, by the way, had to endure sixteen long hours of labour to get you to pop out! And also, I am not a 'raving lunatic'. My sanity hasn't quite left me just yet, I'll have you know. _

"_Anyway, I decided to call to inform you that, yes, I am getting divorced from your pig of a father, and yes, the divorce will likely get _very_ messy. I also wanted you to know that as your mother I have always loved you. And again as your mother, I will continue you to love you, perhaps a little bit more, especially since Miss Granger will humiliate you in court. I will not let this divorce separate you and me, understand? We'll be just as close as soon as this whole thing ends._

"_Well, I've gotten everything off my chest, and I feel loads better. Anyway, I've got to go, darling. I have an appointment with Miss Granger and then Arlene Parkinson and I are off to Paris for our annual shopping spree. I'm going to have some fun for once in my life. Toodles, Draco, and remember that I'll love you regardless of what happens."

* * *

_

**A/N:** First chapter finished. Reviews would definitely make my day, but please, no flames. However, ideas and constructive criticism are welcome. Ideas would be especially nice since I'm often struck with writer's block.

Love always,

Gallaz


	2. Peter Pan and a Fork

**A/N: **Alright, here's the second chapter. There isn't a lot of Hermione/Draco action, but it's coming, so be patient. I'm sorry if you felt the wait was a bit longer than expected. I planned on updating on Sunday, but I never really got around to it. Also, I want to thank all the readers who took the time to review. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Enough from me, and on with the story!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything recognizable.

**YOU'VE GOT 0 MESSAGES**

**By: Gallaz**

**Summary: **"Draco, I just want you to know that as your mother I have always loved you. And again as your mother, I will continue you to love you, perhaps a little bit more, especially since Miss Granger will humiliate you in court." (Loosely based on _Laws of Attraction._)

* * *

**Chapter 2: Peter Pan and a Fork**

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Draco Malfoy

From: Blaise Zabini

Subject: Divorce, eh?

Your parents are divorcing then, are they? I always suspected that they would, mostly because your father is a Malfoy and we both know how Malfoys simply cannot be satisfied by just one woman. Even my father thinks so. He tells me Malfoy Senior is particularly happy with the predicament. Your father supposedly wants to have some "fun".

However, it seemed your parents were already on a downhill to a breakup without the aid of your father's mistresses. Every time I'd see the two of them, private or public, they were arguing about something or another. I remember that one time during the summer holidays when your mother tried to hit your father over the head with a pan. Quite memorable as I recall. What was her excuse again? He didn't knock before he entered the kitchen? Hmmm... that sounds about right.

I found out the hard way that one could actually benefit from his parents' divorce. Now, listen up, because this is extremely important and it is to your benefit (we both know how greedy you are). Are you still with me? Are you ready for the surprise that awaits you? I bet you aren't but here is it anyway.

With having divorced parents, you get double the Christmas and birthday gifts.

Wonderful, isn't it?

Ever since my parents had divorced when I turned ten, I began to receive twice as many presents for every bloody occasion, and let me tell you, I'm still enjoying it to this day.

So don't be so glum about this whole situation. It could all work in your favour if you just get in good graces of both your parents and try hard enough.

Blaise Zabini

* * *

**Wizmail - REPLY**

To: Thanks for the Advice, You Prick

From: But I Don't Really Need It

Subject: RE: Divorce, eh?

Thank you _very _much for the lovely piece of advice, Zabini. It's just too bad it's a surefire sign that you are actually a ten year old boy forever imprisoned in the body of a twenty-five year old man. Honestly. How we're actually friends and on the same intelligence level is quite beyond me. I would have expected something like this from either Crabbe or Goyle, but you, Zabini? You truly disappoint me.

It seems I'll be returning to England in a few days. Father has hired me as his attorney, and as you and I both know, I couldn't possibly refuse for my father does not take rejection very easily. No matter. America, even with its "let's party all damn night" attitude and attractive ladies, has started to seriously bore me. I suppose the first couple years were only so exciting because of the change in scenery.

We should get together for a drink when I return. It'll be like old times. What do you say?

Draco Malfoy

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: America's Become Boring, Has It?

From: The One with the Mental Capacity of a Ten Year Old

Subject: RE: Divorce, eh?

Figures that a Malfoy would hire another Malfoy. I know you're a good lawyer, but you've got your work cut out for yourself, dear friend. You're going to be battling it out with Hermione Granger, in case you haven't be notified. Also, as a precaution and for safety reasons, please note that:

1) Granger doesn't rest until she wins

2) she's good at what she does, and she works hard at it to defend her spot as the best

and most importantly

3) she will actually chop off one's testicles and force feed them to him if he gets in her way.

Hmmm... alright, the last bit there might have been a little exaggerated, but I'm only trying to make you feel better. For all we know, she might actually go through with it the mad idea.

Also, how dare you insult my intelligence? I may not be a Malfoy, but I might as well be one. I've had my share of N.E.W.Ts and witty comebacks, thank you. I just happen to be very much like Peter Pan, you know, the whole "I never want to grow up" thing with which he seems to be infatuated? You, on the other hand, probably haven't ever even believed in flying (without a broomstick, of course) or pirates, which, in my opinion, is very sad indeed. You've been robbed of your eternal childhood.

Enjoy the last few days in America.

Zabini

P.S. I drink sounds nice... You're paying though.

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Peter Pan

From: Testicle Eater

Subject: RE: Divorce, eh?

I suppose I'll need to brush up on my testicle chewing skills. I most certainly don't want to be caught off guard and seem inexperienced while I swallow down my own.

Just out of curiosity, how do you suppose Granger will actually chop them off, if she decides to, that is? A hex? An ax? A switchblade? A fork? It's an important question that needs to be answered for future reference. You never know what might happen when she's provoked.

Please stop comparing yourself to Peter Pan. He sickens me with all of his "I never want to grow up, now let's get high off some fairy dust and fly" crap. I personally think he's been stoned far to many times by that fairy, Tinkerbelle's dust and that the side effects have become permanent. Sad, really.

I'll see you in a few days,

Malfoy

P.S. By the way, I have believed in pirates, so really my "eternal childhood" hasn't been robbed.

P.P.S. Of course I'm going to pay for the drinks. I always do. When have you ever even offered to pay? Never. Cheap bastard.

* * *

"_HI! YOU'VE REACHED RON AND HARRY!-"_

"_Ron, you really don't need to yell-"_

"_WE'RE NOT ABLE TO ANSWER YOUR CALL RIGHT NOW SO LEAVE A MESSAGE-"_

"_Really, Ron-"_

"_HARRY, I'M TRYING TO RECORD A VOICE MAIL HERE-"_

"_Ron, stop shouting, I'm standing right bloody next to you!"_

"_AND WE'LL CALL YOU BACK AS SOON AS POSSI-"_

Beep!

"_Hi, Ginny here. I just called to let you two know that Hermione won't be able to make it to our get-together tonight and that I was thinking about dropping by her house instead. So if you two are planning to still go to the Three Broomsticks, don't expect me or Hermione there. We'll both be at Hermione's. You're free to come of course. And Ron? Please let Harry handle the answering machine from now on."

* * *

_

**Wizmail - REPLY**

To: Pirate Believer

From: Cheap Bastard

Subject: RE: Divorce, eh?

Your curiosity is doing you well, mate. You most definitely do not want to feel unguarded or unprotected while in the presence of Granger. I've put a considerable amount of time into finding a possible answer to the question of how she might rid you of your masculinity and I've come to a very likely conclusion: a fork. That's right, a fork. I figured that it suited her best. Dainty with masked cruelty and violence.

By the way, Peter Pan is my hero, and no way in hell would I ever even dream of comparing myself to him.

Zabini

P.S. Cheap bastard? I prefer sexy.

* * *

Ring, ring. 

Ring, ring.

"_Hello, Ginerva Weasley, Department of Auror Training."_

"_HEY, GIN!"_

"_Ron?"_

"_YEAH, IT'S ME."_

"_Could you please refrain from shouting? I already have a massive headache from your voice mail."_

"_OH, RIGHT. SORRY ABOUT THAT. IT WAS MY FIRST TIME USING IT, AND I HAD NO IDEA HOW IT WORKED."_

"_..."_

"_GINNY?"_

"_Is Harry there with you?"_

"_YEAH. WHY?"_

"_Could you please give him the telephone?"_

"_WHAT? WHY?"_

"_Ron, just do it."_

"_BUT-"_

"_RON!"_

"_ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! DON'T GET YOUR KNICKERS IN A TWIST. WAIT ONE SECOND, GIN. HEY, HARRY! CATCH! GINNY'S ON THE PHONE."_

"_Erm, alright. Hello?"_

"_Harry! Merlin, am I glad to hear your voice. I never noticed how annoying Ron's voice sounded."_

"_I hadn't either, until I spoke with him on the telephone about a week ago. He's bloody loud. He's practically in love with the thing, but has no clue how it works or how to use it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to teach him properly."_

"_He'll never really learn. He's totally clueless with Muggle devices."_

"_Hmm... he is, isn't he?"_

"_Yes, he is. So what's the reason behind this call?"_

"_To talk about the message you left considering our meeting at the Three Broomsticks tonight."_

"_Oh, right."_

"_I think it'll be best to reschedule the whole thing what with Hermione not being able to make it and Ron and I attending an Auror debriefing tonight."_

"_I wasn't aware you had a debriefing tonight."_

"_Last minute thing."_

"_Oh."_

"_So about the rescheduling, how does next weekend sound to you?"_

"_Next weekend sounds great."_

"_Great. So we'll all get together next weekend instead?"_

"_Right, next weekend. Look Harry, I'd love to keep on chatting with you, but I'd better get back to work. Loads of paperwork that need to be attended to."_

"_Er – right, loads of paperwork. We'll talk later?"_

"_Right."_

"_Right."

* * *

_

"Are you sure you don't want to order anything at all, Miss?"

"I'm sure. I'll order later. My guest should be arriving any minute now-"

"Miss Granger!"

"And here she is."

"Miss Granger, we finally meet!"

"Hello, Mrs. Malfoy. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Oh, no! The pleasure is all mine, Miss Granger-"

"Hermione, if you will. And please have a seat."

"Alright, Hermione, then. I've heard great things about you."

"There's nothing very great about me, I assure you. People tend to exaggerate every little detail about me, Mrs. Malfoy."

"Call me Narcissa."

"Er – okay, Narcissa."

"That's better. I honestly don't think you're giving yourself enough credit here. Cleverest witch of the century, Head Girl, top divorce lawyer of wizarding England and beautiful to boot. The things I've heard about you don't even come close to the woman I see right now."

"Please, Narcissa. I'm far from the witch people claim me to be."

"On the contrary. You are every bit of that witch."

"..."

"Tell me, Hermione, do you enjoy compliments? Be honest now."

"Er-"

"Flattery?"

"Uh-"

"Hmm... I suppose that's a no, then? Such a modest young witch. Don't see many like you these days."

"No, I suppose you don't."

"And that's why I like you. You bring something fresh into this world, and I couldn't be happier that you agreed to represent me in court."

"I'm flattered, Narcissa."

"I can't wait to get back at Lucius for the last twenty-six miserable years of imprisonment."

"You have every right to be impatient."

"Such a shame though."

"What shame?"

"It's such a shame Lucius convinced Draco to defend him."

"I'm sure it'll all work out – wait – _what?_"

"My only son has agreed to defend his idiot father in court. Why he's taking his father's side, I'll never truly understand. Perhaps it's a male bonding sort of thing."

"Your son as in Draco Malfoy?"

"The one and only. I've heard about you two and your rivalry, but frankly I think that would be for all the better in court. The animosity you have towards my son will surely help me win, don't you think?"

"It would help, yes."

"So you wouldn't have a problem handling Draco, would you?"

"No problem at all."

* * *

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Malfoy

From: Zabini

Subject: Granger's Wizmail Address

hermionegranger3.wizmail

I think it would be wiseof you to contact her. You know, to check out the competition.

Your helpful friend,

Blaise Zabini

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Zabini

From: Malfoy

Subject: RE: Granger's Wizmail Address

Malfoys don't usually express gratitude, but I suppose I can make an exception this one time. So here it is Zabini: thank you.

Malfoy

P.S. The Leaky Cauldron Saturday night at 8:30 pm. Be there or I'll hex your arse off.

* * *

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Granger

From: Malfoy

Subject: (none)

Granger,

Looks like we'll be working against each other again. Should be fun.

Malfoy

* * *

**A/N: **End of the second chapter. Please leave a review. No flames. Constructive criticism and ideas are welcome. 

**Next Update Date:** _September 1st, 2005_

**Love always,**

**Gallaz**


	3. The Blind Date

**A/N: **Hey. You all probably thought I was dead, rotting away somewhere, but that isn't the case. I've just been really busy with school, and haven't been able to find time to update. And then there was that little writer's block jammed in my head. But I'm back now with chapter three. There isn't an enormous amount of Hermione and Draco interaction just yet because I want to build up to it. I had a pretty good time writing this chapter, and I hope you guys like reading it. Enjoy, and don't forget to review.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything recognizable.

**YOU'VE GOT 0 MESSAGES**

**By: Gallaz**

**Summary: **"Draco, I just want you to know that as your mother I have always loved you. And again as your mother, I will continue you to love you, perhaps a little bit more, especially since Miss Granger will humiliate you in court." (Loosely based on _Laws of Attraction._)

* * *

**Chapter 3: The Blind Date**

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Malfoy

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: RE: (none)

Malfoy,

Whatever it is that you consider "fun", I hope it includes having your arse getting kicked all the bloody way back to America!

- Hermione Granger

P.S. Who in Merlin's name gave you my Wizmail address?

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Granger

From: Malfoy

Subject: RE: (none)

Granger,

My arse will be staying put in England for the time being, I'm afraid. Don't sulk now. We'll have loads and loads of "fun", I promise. Those quotation marks make it seem so suggestive. How kinky, Granger.

Malfoy

* * *

"It was not meant to be suggestive!" 

"Well, I'm afraid it does seem to be quite suggestive."

"Ginny!"

"Well, there's not much you can do about now, is there?"

"You're not helping!"

"Sorry, but I'm just laying it out as I see it."

"I'd never meant to imply anything like that. Especially to Malfoy, of all people!"

"Hmm… I don't know…"

"Don't know what?"

"Well, I always thought…"

"Thought…?"

"I always thought that you and Malfoy always had this…"

"This what?"

"Tension."

"Tension?"

"Sexual tension."

"Sexu – what!"

"What?"

"Sexual tension!"

"Yes, sexual tension."

"Between me and Malfoy?"

"Yes, sexual tension between you and Malfoy."

"No!"

"Yes."

"No way in _hell_ did Malfoy and I have any tension of that sort!"

"Oh, please, Hermione. It was practically flashing in neon lights."

"No neon lights! No sexual tension!"

"Well, your loss. I always thought he was good-looking."

"You – what!"

"I said – "

"I know what you said! It just doesn't make any sense!"

"Oh, please, Hermione. That man is attractive, and for the past – I don't know how many years – I've seen the sparks fly between you two and set things on fire!"

"That was just hate, Ginny, you should know that. Just plain and utter hate."

"Merlin, Hermione, it was just an opinion."

"…"

"And have you even looked at the man lately? He definitely looks different from the pointy face weasel we both knew at Hogwarts."

"…"

"Here, have a look."

"What's this?"

"It's _Witch Weekly_'s annual '100 Most Eligible Wizards'."

"Malfoy made the list?"

"Made it? He topped it!"

"Oh, God."

"He's on page 69."

"…"

"Come on, Hermione! You've got eyes, its okay to use them, you know."

"It's just I'd prefer not to see some centerfold of a naked Malfoy as soon as I open it."

"There's no need to worry about that, Hermione. It's already up in my bedroom."

"Ginny!"

"Kidding, I was only kidding."

* * *

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Granger

From: Draco Malfoy

Subject: Ignoring me now?

Oh, Granger, Dearest Granger,

Are you just going to ignore me now? How childish.

- Malfoy

* * *

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Hermione

From: Anne Granger

Subject: I've found you a date!

Dear Hermione,

I hope you aren't busy tonight because I've found someone that I would love for you to meet. I think you'll absolutely adore him, and I certainly approve of him. He's a dentist, don't you know. And although you'd rather settle down with someone with magical abilities, I think you should give Herman a chance. He's quite the gentleman, and he is terribly sweet.

Meet him at the LaGrottia at 8 tonight.

Hope you have fun,

Mom

* * *

Ring, ring. 

Ring, ring.

"_Hello, Hermione Granger."_

"_Hey, it's me, Harry."_

"_Oh, hey! I've been meaning to call you."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Yeah. Ginny told me that we'd be meeting at the Three Broomsticks tonight, but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it."_

"_What? Why not? And don't you dare say you have to catch up on some work."_

"_Don't worry, it's not that. However, as much as it pains me to say this, my mother's set me up on another blind date."_

"_No!"_

"'_No' is right."_

"_Another one?"_

"_Another one."_

"_Are you seriously considering going out on this date?"_

"_What choice do I have? She wants me to find a boyfriend of some sort for the Christmas party. She doesn't want me to be alone this year."_

"_But you're never alone. Ron, Ginny and I are always there."_

"_She wants me to bring – and I quote – 'someone you could see yourself producing children with within the next five years' to the party."_

"_... I suppose Ron or I could donate some sperm samples –"_

"_HARRY!"_

"_What?"_

"_I don't need you or Ron to feel obligated to donate your sperm to me just to get me out of this date!"_

"_But what if this guy's a nose picker like that last guy?"_

"_Harry –"_

"_Or starts to floss his teeth with a strand of your hair... at the table?"_

"_Harry –"_

"_Or likes to –"_

"_Harry! Enough! I can handle this, alright? It's just like any other date my mother has had me go on. It's no big deal, really."_

"_I know that, Hermione, but I can't just stand by and watch your mother make your life miserable."_

"_It's just she doesn't see it as making my life miserable. She thinks she's actually improving it."_

"_I think you should talk to her."_

"_You think I haven't tried? She's just completely oblivious! And stubborn! She thinks only she knows what's best for me."_

"_So there's no possible way you could get out of this date of yours?"_

"_Nope."_

"_And you okay with this?"_

"_Harry, I've been on dates like this before. One more won't kill me."_

"_You say that now."_

"_Goodbye, Harry."_

"_Alright. I suppose I'll talk to you later, then."_

"_Right. Bye, and have fun tonight."_

"_I wish I could say the same to you."_

* * *

"Hello, Miss Granger." 

"Hello, Henry. How are you today?"

"Very good, thank you. And yourself?"

"Good as I can get at another blind date."

"Cheer up, Miss Granger. This one doesn't seem half bad."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. Famous bloke as well."

"Might I know him?"

"Well, certainly! You attended Hogwarts with him."

"I did?"

"Yes, it seems your mother has found quite a nice match for you this time."

"It would seem so. Has he arrived yet?"

"Yes, actually, he has. If you would just follow me…"

"We're out in the balcony?"

"He insisted. Said he couldn't let this beautiful night go to waste, he said."

"Sounds like a perfect… gentleman."

"Here we are. Your date is at the table a little ways down."

"Thank you, Henry."

"You're most welcome, Miss Granger. Enjoy."

* * *

(Harry, **Ron, **_Ginny)_

"**Do you think Hermione would mind that we switched her date?"**

"_Of course not, you idiot! In fact, I think she's going to thank us for our meddling."_

"I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't have interfered with her business."

"_You've got to be kidding me, Harry. Did you see her date? Did you actually see him?"_

"**Ginny's right, mate. He didn't seem good enough for our Hermione."**

"_Not to mention his cologne. He smelt hideous."_

"But still… She told me she would be okay without our help."

"_Harry, we did a good thing for her. Trust me."_

"**I trust her, so you might as well too."**

"I suppose."

"_I say we have a toast, a toast for a matchmaking job well done."_

"**I second that."**

"I guess I have no choice but to join in."

"_That's the spirit, Harry."_

"**Who's going to make the toast?"**

"_I will. Ahem. To Hermione, may her love life be smooth sailing from here on."_

"**Here, here."**

"To Hermione."

* * *

"Oliver Wood?" 

"Hello to you too, Hermione."

"Wh – what are you doing here?"

"Well, I'm your date for the evening. I hope you aren't disappointed."

"No, of course not."

"That's good to hear."

"It's just I didn't expect you here."

"Expected someone better?"

"No, actually. But even if I was expecting better, I'm glad you're here instead."

* * *

"I haven't been in this place for ages. I think I may have actually missed it while I was in America." 

"This Three Broomsticks, right here, is the best pub in the entire world. Of course you would have missed it."

"I think I've missed England as a whole."

"Hmm… Yes, the weather here is indeed something to be desired."

"Exactly. And the firewhiskey. The Three Broomsticks always made the best firewhiskey."

"Mmhmm. No other place makes it like this."

"Say, is that Potter and two-eighths of the Weasel clan?"

"I say, indeed, it is."

"Granger seems to be missing though."

"Too bad, you two could have had a showdown."

"We are not in a Western movie, Zabini."

"Hey, a bloke can dream."

"In my opinion, you dream far too much for a man your age."

"Well, it's because I have that eternal childhood quality that you can't seem to obtain."

"Bugger off."

"You're just jealous."

"Right, that's exactly it. I'm jealous of someone who thinks he's like Peter Pan."

"Hey, don't insult Peter Pan. He's a hero."

"Hero my arse."

"You envy his arse. And his ability to fly without a broom. Come now, just admit it."

"I think I'd rather talk to the Golden Trio – minus Granger, plus Weaselette – than you."

"Go on, then. I don't need your company."

…

(Harry, **Ron, **_Ginny, _Draco)

"Why, hello Potter, Weasley, Weaselette."

"Malfoy."

"**Come back to England, have you?"**

"Yes, it would seem that way, Weasley. Thank you very much for pointing that out."

"_How long have you been back for?"_

"Not long. A few hours now."

"Why are you back?"

"Family emergency."

"_You're here for the divorce aren't you?"_

"Very good, Weasley. I always knew you were smarter than your brother here."

"_It isn't very hard to see that now, is it?"_

"**Hey! You should be defending me!"**

"What divorce?"

"You don't know, Potter? Weasley, how did you know?"

"_Hermione told me. She told me after Narcissa Malfoy hired her."_

"Oh, of course. Girl talk."

"**Hermione's that witch's lawyer?-"**

"Weasley, do recognize that I am here, standing next to you, while you're insulting my mother."

"**-And she told you, but not Harry and me?"**

"_Oh, don't act surprised. She wouldn't ever tell you anything anyways with your fat mouth."_

"**But-"**

"Has she told you anything else?"

"_What do you mean?"_

"About my involvement in the divorce."

"_You're involved – wait… you're a divorce lawyer, aren't you?"_

"I am."

"_Oh…"_

"So what if he's a divorce lawyer?"

"It means that I'll be defending my father in court."

"**Bloody hell! You and Hermione are going to go head to head in court, aren't you?"**

"You know, you're not as stupid as I pegged you to be, Weasley."

"**Shut up."**

"Say, where is Granger now?"

"On a date."

"A date?"

"_Yes, not that it's any of your business."_

"Well, when you see her next, tell her that she can't avoid me forever."

"_I'll be sure to do that."

* * *

_

**A/N: **Okay, that's all for now. Leave a review because reviews inspire me to write.

**Next Update Date: **_Unknown_

**Love always,**

**Gallaz**


	4. Truce and Negotiations

**A/N: **Hey, I'm back. School's over for the summer which leaves me a lot of time to write, so I've written another chapter for you. I did it really quickly, so the transitions and whatnot might not be the best, but you'll have to forgive me for that. I liked writing this, and again, not a lot of Hermione/Draco interaction, but just enough. There will be a lot more going on between them in future chapters, but I don't like or want to rush in, so I guess I'm easing in instead. Well, enough of my babbling. I hope you enjoy, and please leave a review. Ha, almost forgot to mention my penname change. It's no longer Gallaz, but Salle. I changed it because I wanted to make my penname more me, I guess. Well, anyway, enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I own… basically nothing.

**YOU'VE GOT 0 MESSAGES**

**By: Salle**

**Summary: **"Draco, I just want you to know that as your mother I have always loved you. And again as your mother, I will continue you to love you, perhaps a little bit more, especially since Miss Granger will humiliate you in court." (Loosely based on _Laws of Attraction._)

* * *

**Chapter 4: Truce and Negotiations**

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

"Ugh. Bloody phone."

Ring, ring.

"Shut up."

Ring, ring.

"Go away"

Ring –

"_Stop calling and get your crazy arse back to bed!"_

Click.

…

…

…

Ring, ring.

"Bloody hell!"

Ring –

"_What!"_

"_You certainly have a way of greeting your friend, Hermione Granger."_

_"I'm glad that you approve, Ginevra Weasley."_

"_My, my, aren't we in a foul mood this morning."_

"_Well, I think you would be too if someone called you at the crack of dawn."_

"_Foul mood indeed."_

"_Don't expect anything less."_

"_Oh, cheer up, Hermione."_

"_Can't."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because it is bloody 5:30 in the morning, that's why not!"_

"_Now, now. Careful not to burst a blood vessel."_

"…"

"_Hello? Are you still there?"_

"_Yes, unfortunately."_

"…"

"…"

"…"

"_Was there a reason you called, Ginny?"_

"_Mhm."_

"_Then may I ask-"_

"_Ask away."_

"_-what exactly that reason might be?"_

"_I figured the answer would be pretty obvious. Well, it should be anyway. In fact, he might just be under your covers."_

"…_You called to interrogate me about my date?"_

"_Give the girl a thousand galleons."_

"_And you couldn't have waited for the sun to have actually risen into the sky?"_

"_Well, I planned to call you at seven, but my curiosity got the best of me, and my fingers just started dialing your number."_

"…"

"_So…?"_

"_So what?"_

"_For a brilliant girl, you're rather daft sometimes, Hermione."_

"_And…?"_

"_Oh, for Merlin's sake! I want to know how your date went!"_

"_What's there to know?"_

"_Everything."_

"_Could we narrow 'everything' down, Gin?"_

"_How is he in bed?"_

"_Never made it that far."_

"_Oh… That was 'everything' right there going down the drain."_

"_Anything else?"_

"_Oh, yes. How about a thank you and some gratitude?"_

"_You're just full of odd requests today, aren't you?"_

"_Well, I think I deserve it."_

"_And for what exactly?"_

"_Finding your date."_

"…_Er Ginny? You sure you're alright?"_

"_Just peachy."_

"_Gin, my mom set me up on that date, not you."_

"_Oh, but that's where you're mistaken."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_I replaced your original date with Oliver Wood."_

"_WHAT?"_

"_Yup, you heard me, Hermione. Harry, Ron and I did a little switcheroo and did some matchmaking of our own that outdid your mother's and of which Lavender Brown would be proud."_

"_You did WHAT?"_

"_Are you unhappy with our choice? Because if you are, I would gladly take him off your hands."_

"_Why would you do that?"_

"_Because your mother has horrible choice in men. No offense to your mother… or father… or you…"_

"_Oh, don't I know it."_

"_See, you agree with me. I was right to do it."_

"_I agree that my mother doesn't have the nicest taste in men, but it doesn't excuse your interference in my love life, something that I had always strictly told you was off-limits to you, Harry and Ron."_

"_You might be scolding me now, but when you get a load of the bloke that was supposed to be your date, you are going to be worshipping – yes, worshipping – the very ground that I walk on."_

"…_How bad was he?"_

"_Pretty bad. Not as bad as the guy who proposed on the first date, but worse than the guy with the 'pet' anaconda."_

"_Hmm…"_

"_Mhm…"_

"_Oliver's nice."_

"_Oh, good. Glad that worked out."_

"_Yeah."_

"_So, are you going to start filling me in, or not?"_

"…_Not."_

"_Hermione!"_

* * *

"_Draco Malfoy. Hung over. Say whatever the hell you need to say. Bugger off."_

Beep!

"_Draco, it's your father. I want you to contact me as soon as you get this. There is much to go over regarding this divorce. And as a side note, I am going to have to request that you change that disgraceful voicemail of yours. It dishonours the Malfoy name and hearing it makes me cringe at the very fact that I had raised you."_

* * *

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Ferret

From: Hermione Granger

Subject: …

Malfoy,

I suppose we can't ignore each other forever, however unfortunate that may be. Anyway, I figure that we should meet with both your parents present to try and work this out without going to court. It won't be easy seeing as your mother has her heart set on resolving everything in court, and digging out every knut out of even your father's pocket change. I'm willing to call a truce for the time being because this whole thing requires two level-headed people who aren't about to jump at each other's throat.

I hope that you agree that this is the way to go,

Hermione Granger

* * *

"Holy Merlin." 

"What is it this time, Malfoy?"

"Zabini, you've got to come and take a look at this. Here, on my Wizberry."

"God, Malfoy if it's anymore of that Muggle porn, I am not interested –"

"No! It's Granger."

"Bloody hell! Granger's in a porno movie?"

"NO! What the hell is wrong with you this morning, Zabini! This has nothing to do with porn, or Granger in porn. It just has something to do with Granger. She's sent me a Wizmail."

"Oh, now you've got me intrigued. Give it here."

…

…

…

"Granger's actually calling a truce, Malfoy?"

"So it would seem."

"I guess that means no showdown."

"…"

"And here I was looking so forward to seeing one."

"It could still happen."

"I'll keep my fingers crossed."

"Look, I should get going. I have to meet my father in fifteen minutes."

"And you're just going to leave me with the breakfast bill?"

"I paid for the drinks last night."

"But I'm letting you stay at my flat until you can find a decent place of your own."

"You also offered."

"Because I'm such a good friend."

"…"

"…"

"Well, you ate more food than I did, Zabini."

"You drank more coffee than I did, Malfoy."

"This is ridiculous."

"I agree."

"So you'll pay, then?"

"No, you will."

"Why is it me that always has to pay?"

"Because it's a Malfoy thing to do and because you get to flaunt your wealth among us more ordinary people."

"The Zabini's have their fair share of wealth."

"But no one compares to the Malfoy's."

"…Fine."

"I knew you'd see it my way."

* * *

_Ding, dong._

…

_Ding, dong-_

_Ding, dong._

"Oh, hello there Master Draco! Pebbles is very please to see you, sir! Oh, yes indeed! I have missed you something terrible, sir."

'Hello there, Pebbles."

"Oh, you must be wanting to see Master Malfoy. Pebbles can't believe he had forgotten, sir! Master Malfoy told Pebbles this morning you would be coming, and he had completely forgotten. Bad, Pebbles! Bad, bad, bad, Pebbles!"

"Pebbles, now really, there is no need for any of that –"

"But Pebbles has let you down, Master Draco. He could never forgives hisself!"

"Really –"

"Terrible, ugly, horrible, _stupid_ Pebbles!"

"Pebbles, enough!"

"…Oh, forgive Pebbles, sir."

"Could you just tell me where Father is?"

"Yes, of course. He's in his study, sir."

"Thank you."

"You sure are welcome, Master."

…

"Draco, finally, you've arrived."

"Yes, sorry about that. I was a bit held up."

"Changing your voicemail, I hope."

"Yes, that was included."

"Good to hear. Now, let's get down to business. Is there anything you need to tell me? Anything from Miss Granger or your mother?"

"Father, you know I can't discuss what Mother and I discuss. There's just too much of a complication in that. However, I can tell you that Granger had wizmailed me this morning, and it seems Mother is not about to let you off the hook that easily."

"And I suppose the prenuptial wouldn't be valid anymore?"

"I'm afraid not."

"…"

"Honestly, I think you screwed yourself over from the moment you started this sleeping around business, Father."

"Thank you very much, Draco, for the much needed support."

"And Mother has a reason to be angry."

"Yes, you always did favour your mother over me."

"Well, that doesn't matter anyway because I am your attorney and not Mother's. Look, Granger doesn't want to court, and neither do I because let's face it here; if you and Mother meet in court, it isn't going to be a pretty sight. Personally, it's probably best to avoid any bloodshed, and the best way to do that would be through negotiations."

"I will not negotiate, Draco. That is out of the question."

"Father, let's be reasonable here."

"No, there's nothing to negotiate. All of this – this house, the Malfoy fortune – everything was created through my efforts. Your mother had no part in it."

"Father –"

"Don't ask me to be reasonable, sensible or anything for that matter. This isn't like sharing crayons or toys, Draco, we are talking about my life."

"…"

"Don't just stand there like a fool. Are you willing to go along with my intentions of going to court or not?"

"…"

"Draco!"

"Do I really have any other choice?"

"No."

"I didn't think so."

"Good. I'm glad we have an understanding."

"I hope you don't come to regret this because this decision of yours could result in you losing everything."

"I'm confident in your abilities, Draco."

"I wouldn't be too sure."

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Beaver

From: Dignified Ferret

Subject: RE: …

Granger,

My father can be a stubborn bat sometimes, and he had chosen today of all days to be one. He is refusing to negotiate, and he won't budge from that. Look, all I can say is that I tried. I think you should still try to get my mother to consider negotiating and settling this out of court. She's more sensible and agreeable than my father. And in the meantime, I'll wear my father down and try to get him to see things from a different angle.

-Malfoy

P.S. I accept your truce, however ridiculous it may sound.

* * *

"Negotiations?" 

"Yes, Narcissa, negotiations."

"No."

"No?"

"Yes, no. I will not – absolutely _not_ – negotiate with—_him_."

"You can say his name, Narcissa."

"How could you possibly even _ask _me to negotiate with him, Hermione?"

"I know Luci –"

"Don't finish –"

"_Lucius_ has hurt you, I know, but there's a better chance of you getting what you want through negotiating with him. Going to court and putting this all in front of a judge would be a little risky on your part, don't you think? I mean suppose the judge is a man, and doesn't see or understand the wrong doings of your hus –"

"_Ex_-husband."

"Yes, I'm sorry, soon-to-be ex-husband. But anyway, back to my point; what if the judge just simply doesn't see I your way? What then?"

"Look, that's for us to worry about later. All I want – all I care about right now is getting revenge and hurting _him_ the best I can."

"But –"

"I know you're trying to help, Hermione, and it's greatly appreciated, really. However, this isn't just about talking it out; it's about thorough bashings and beatings. Perhaps you wouldn't understand my need to do this, but I don't think I can just ignore it."

"No, I think I understand."

"You do?"

"Yes, I think I do."

"So, negotiating is out of the question?"

"Not entirely, but for now, yes."

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Dignified Ferret with a Pale Arse

From: Beaver with Brains

Subject: RE: …

Malfoy,

Although you were right and your mother does have more sense than your father, I'm afraid that she isn't about to surrender herself to the idea of negotiations. I guess all we have left to do is bring this about to court, and pray that your parents will finally come to see what's best for both of them. I only hope that that will be soon.

Also, I hope you know that this truce we called isn't a friendship of any sort.

Hermione Granger

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Ugly Beaver with Brains

From: Gorgeous and Dignified Ferret with a Pale Arse

Subject: RE: …

Granger, Granger,

I never considered this ridiculous truce a friendship, so don't worry. Besides, if we were friends, how well would we stand up to each other in court?

Malfoy

P.S. And by the way, in the case in which my parents don't come around, I wish you luck because I'm not about to go down without a fight.

* * *

**A/N:** There was the fourth chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a review because that's really what inspires me to write. Leave some constructive criticism or ideas for me because they are always helpful when it comes to writing this story and improving my writing as well. Again, thanks for reading. 

**Love always,**

**_Salle_**


	5. Bring It On

**A/N: **I know, I know. I am so damn awful. It's been over a year since I've last updated and you all must think me a horrendously lazy ass. Which is fine by me because it's the truth. I've been pretty busy with school and whatnot and I also had a rather huge writer's block, but I've come back with another chapter. I decided that posting another chapter now was good a time as any what with the fifth movie just having been released and the seventh book to soon follow. Anyway, I'm so sorry I haven't updated in such a long while, but please, please forgive me! Alright then, enough of me. On with the story!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing… only wish that I did.

**YOU'VE GOT 0 MESSAGES**

**By: Salle**

**Summary: **"Draco, I just want you to know that as your mother I have always loved you. And again as your mother, I will continue you to love you, perhaps a little bit more, especially since Miss Granger will humiliate you in court." (Loosely based on _Laws of Attraction._)

* * *

**Chapter 5: Bring It On**

"_Hermione Granger. At lunch. Leave a message."_

Beep.

"_Hey, it's Ginny here. Look, I realize that you might be busy what with the impending Malfoy divorce arriving and everything, but I've got tickets – not just tickets, great tickets – for tonight, and I've called to convince you to come with me. I can't reveal too much because if I did, you might not agree to come. But before you go making assumptions that these tickets are for something horrifying, terrifying, and/or potentially dangerous, just remember that the best moments of your life were when you did something spontaneous and usually recommended by me… Ahem, Oliver… So think this over because I can almost guarantee you a fabulously fun time. Alright, well, I've got to run. Just call me back with an answer or something. Bye."_

* * *

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Pale, Ferrety Toothpick

From: Tall, Dark and Handsome

Subject: World Cup Tickets

I've got them. Want one?

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Tall, Dark and Stupid

From: Fair, Lean and Horrendously Good Looking

Subject: RE: World Cup Tickets

For the England-Scotland game tonight? Of course I do, and if you didn't know that you're an even bigger idiot than I had presumed. You'd better not give that ticket away or sell it on Wizbay, Zabini. That ticket is mine.

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: The Pale-Arsed One

From: The Mocha-Skinned One

Subject: RE: World Cup Tickets

Me, sell Quidditch World Cup tickets on Wizbay? Why would I, of all Quidditch fanatics, sell such a priceless ticket? I mean, really? Is this what you really think of me, Malfoy? Do you really take me for someone who would sink so low? You keep this up, Malfoy, and this ticket – box seat ticket – might end up in some other lucky Quidditch fan's hand.

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Ticket Holder

From: My arse is not pale!

Subject: RE: World Cup Tickets

You had better not give that ticket away to someone else, Zabini. That ticket just might save me from drowning and dying in these past few hellish weeks. Please, Zabini, if you had any humanity – and I mean _any_ – you would give me that ticket.

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Liar, your arse is as pale as the full moon

From: Holder of Your Happiness

Subject: RE: World Cup Tickets

Yes, I've most definitely got some humanity, but then again, I can be a cruel and heartless bastard sometimes. So far, I haven't decided yet if I'll save your sorry pale-as-the-moon ass or leave you to suffer (the latter, I find, is much more amusing and entertaining). Be nice, and I just might reward you.

_Hint: Call me "The Utterly Handsome One"._

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: …The Utterly Handsome One

From: …I can't believe it's come to this…

Subject: RE: World Cup Tickets

Utterly Handsome,

Happy now?

* * *

Ring, ring. 

Ring –

"_Hello?"_

"_Hey, Gin. It's Hermione."_

"_Got my message then?"_

"_Sure did."_

"_And?"_

"_I'm up for whatever you've got planned."_

"_Really?"_

"_Really."_

"_You aren't going to beg me to reveal what mysteriously plans I've got going for the two of us?"_

"_Nope. Just going to throw caution to the wind."_

"_Huh."_

"_Honestly, I think whatever you've got planned has got to be far better than spending another evening working on this ridiculous divorce. I mean, it's bad enough that I'm spending every waking minute on it, but now it's appearing in my dreams and it's become even more unbearable."_

"_You poor thing. Well, no matter. Tonight will be in no way associated with the Malfoy divorce, I can guarantee you that."_

"_Well, as long as that's guaranteed, take me anywhere."_

"_You got it. I'll be by your apartment around six o'clock to pick you up."_

"_Sounds good. I'll see you then."_

"_Okay. Bye."_

* * *

"_Hi. You've reached Harry-"_

"_AND RON."_

"_Right. Er – well, we're not here right now so leave us a message and we'll return your call as soon as possible."_

"_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"_

"_Ron! What're you doing?"_

"_You forgot to do the beep afterwards."_

"_Ron, the machine does that on its own."_

"_Oh. Well, how was I supposed to know that?"_

Beep!

"_Harry! It's me: Ron! Merlin, you would not believe the kind of luck I'm having today! You know how we've been looking for tickets for the Quidditch Cup game tonight, the England versus Scotland one? Well, as it turned out John Jones – you know, the bloke I work with, the one with green spiky hair? – had a pair of tickets to it but couldn't make it because of a previous engagement he had with his family. So then instead of letting him waste such valuable tickets, I convinced him to give them to me. Of course, they aren't exactly the most amazing seats I gather – where's row 78 anyhow? – but no matter. We've still got tickets! Right, well, I've got to go. I'll see you later."_

* * *

_Ding, dong._

"Just a moment!"

_Ding, dong._

"Yeah, alright, I'm coming!"

_Ding, dong – dingdongdingdong ding, dong – _

"Would you give it a rest?"

"Good evening to you too, Hermione."

"Oh, Ginny, it's just you. Come on in. I'll be ready in a minute."

"Sure, it's no problem."

"So, mind telling me where it is that we're exactly going?"

"Why, Hermione, I thought you were 'just going to throw caution to the wind.'"

"I've come to my senses since then. Alright, I'm ready. Now tell me, where are we off to?"

"We're not off to anywhere with you looking like that."

"What? What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"Hermione, you don't look like a girl going out for a good time."

"I don't know if I'll even have a good time."

"Caution to the wind, Hermione, caution to the wind."

"Look, I honestly don't see what's so wrong with my outfit. A pair of jeans and sweatshirt is pretty casual and neutral considering I have no clue where I'm going to be spending my evening."

"You don't need an occasion to look half-decent Hermione Granger. Now go on back into that closet of yours and spice up your outfit a little bit."

"Fine. Give me another minute or two."

"Will do."

* * *

"You know that you're an evil bastard don't you, Zabini?" 

"Such things I don't ever forget, Draco."

"I don't beg. And I certainly don't offer compliments willingly."

"Oh, I know first hand. Now stop with all this ridiculous pouting, Malfoy. You're here now and you know that this is going to be worth your every effort."

"For your sake, it better be."

"That's some kind of threat, I presume?"

"Brilliant deduction, Zabini."

"But you do realize that I can't possibly control the outcome of the match or make it so that you enjoy it, right?"

"Where is this conversation going exactly, Zabini?"

"I'm just saying that you can't punish me because you end up not enjoying the match or because the wrong team won."

"Merlin, Zabini, it is impossible for you to shut up for two seconds?"

"Well, there's nothing better to do, is there? I mean, we are almost an hour early and there's clearly nothing else to do. Speaking of which, why are we here so early anyway?"

"My parents have been hounding me with phone calls since this whole ridiculous mess began and I just couldn't bear hearing either of their voices for another minute. I just need this night to myself. Away from them."

"Understandable."

"Yes, now shut up and let me enjoy the peace."

"What peace? With me around, Malfoy, there is never any peace."

* * *

"You have got to be kidding me, Ginny." 

"What?"

"Don't play innocent with me. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Look, it isn't all bad, Hermio-"

"Let me get this straight. You made me dress up for a _Quidditch match_?"

"You needed a change of scenery and I've provided it. I don't know what you're complaining about."

"It's _Quidditch_. You know exactly how I feel about Quidditch!"

"Yeah, you think it's a bloody waste of a sport. Like I haven't heard it all before."

"Then why exactly did you bring me here?"

"I already told you: for the change of scenery."

"Ginny, a change of scenery might have been the Three Broomsticks or the Leaky Cauldron. This, on the other hand, this is torture!"

"Oh, stop being so melodramatic. You're going to survive. I mean, you've managed to sit through the Quidditch matches at Hogwarts. This will hardly be any different."

"I only endured it at Hogwarts because you, Harry and Ron where all playing. I had no choice but to watch so that I could support you. But this is completely different. There will be no one I know playing, hence no one for me to cheer for."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You'll find out soon enough."

* * *

"So… this is row 78." 

"Don't remind me, Harry."

"Definitely not the most glamorous."

"It bloody well isn't. In fact, it shouldn't even be considered a spectators' row. I mean, you can't actually see anything from there. We're so far down we'd have to pop our eyes from their sockets and face them up to actually get to see anything."

"It's not so bad, Ron. At least there's commentary and we can hear every play."

"Yeah, I suppose."

* * *

"I could use some peanuts just about now." 

"Thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts with me, Zabini. I appreciate it."

"My pleasure, Malfoy. I have plenty more thoughts to share if you ever need more of my genius."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Always so sullen and sarcastic, Malfoy."

"It's expected behaviour from someone whose parents' messy divorce is essentially ruining his life."

"Point taken."

"Do you know that they've even decided to fight for the custody of Pebbles?"

"The house elf?"

"The one and only."

"That's a bit mad, isn't it?"

"Of course it's mad! They are fighting over a house elf! It just shows how ridiculous and spiteful they're getting."

"Huh. You know what would make this divorce even bigger of a headache for you?"

"There can't possibly be a single thing that could make this any worse, Zabini."

"A scandal."

"What?"

"You know, like a sex tape."

"WHAT!"

"What?"

"Are you implying that my parents have a sex tape hidden somewhere?"

"Well, it's always a possibility, is it not?"

"No! It bloody well is _not_ a possibility!"

"Look, Malfoy, all that I'm saying is that they were young once too and maybe they wanted a special way in which to commemorate their love for each other."

"With a sex tape?"

"Yes."

"That's absolutely ridiculous and definitely borderline insane."

"Just another one of my inner most thoughts you so appreciate."

"In that case, Zabini, keep your thoughts to yourself from now on."

* * *

"So I hear Wood is playing tonight. I can't wait to see him play again after all these years." 

"I highly doubt that we'll get to see anyone play considering our seats, Harry."

"Well, then, I suppose we could always catch up with him afterwards."

"Yeah, I suppose. Speaking of which; how do you think Hermione's date with Wood went?"

"I haven't got a clue. She and I haven't spoken for a few days now. You?"

"Me neither. But Ginny told me that they are going out tonight."

"That's good to hear. You know, since this whole Malfoy divorce debacle, Hermione's seemed pretty stressed out."

"Harry, since when has Hermione ever not been stressed over one thing or another?"

"I suppose that's true, but I think she's under more stress than usual."

"Who wouldn't be when you have to deal with the Malfoys?"

"Too true."

* * *

"Where exactly are our seats, Ginny? I feel like we've been climbing these stairs forever." 

"They're pretty far up. Stop fretting, we're almost there."

"Wonderful."

"Will you please stop whining, Hermione? This little hike will all be worth the spectacular view that our seats will provide."

"Right. And why exactly do these supposed luxurious seats require so much effort to get to?"

"Everything comes with a price. In our case, the price is these endless stairs."

"How did you manage these to get these tickets anyhow? I thought this match had been sold out for weeks now."

"Oh, it had. But my boss had an unfortunate Quidditch accident and injured his back. He obviously couldn't attend, so he sent me in his place."

"I see."

"Ah ha! We're here!"

"It was about time."

"Shush, you. You should be grateful, you know. You are, after all, at the sporting event of the year."

"I don't see what's so special about it. It's just another Quidditch match."

"It isn't _just_ another Quidditch match, Hermione. This is the Quidditch World Cup we're talking about. And this match between England and Scotland is a highly anticipated one."

"For what reason?"

"They've had an ongoing rivalry for centuries now. Every time they play one another, it's almost always certain to be explosive."

"Delightful."

"Huh. What do you know?"

"What?"

"I think I spot a certain blond ferret and his friend."

"What? Where?"

"There. Right up at the front."

"I thought this was supposed to be my vacation away from the Malfoys."

"Hey, I said a change of scenery from the divorce, not from him."

"Same difference. Ugh. I was hoping that I would never have to actually come face to face with him. For a while at least. Do you think we could just ignore them? Pretend we'd never even seen them in the first place?"

"Hmm. Tough luck. They've spotted us."

"Perfect. Just perfect."

* * *

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" 

"What? What are you looking at, Zabini?"

"More like who, Malfoy, who am I looking at."

"I'm not in the mood for your games, Zabini."

"Granger and Weaselette."

"What?"

"They're here."

"Here? What do you mean 'here'?"

"'Here', Malfoy, as in they are standing over there."

"What! What, in Merlin's name, are they doing here?"

"It's only a lucky guess, but I'm assuming they're here for the match."

"Don't be a smartass, Zabini."

"Can't help it, Malfoy. It's just my nature."

"Well, I suppose I was going to have to face her eventually. Now is good a time as any."

* * *

Hermione 

**Draco**

_Ginny_

Blaise

"**Well, well, well, Granger. Long time no see."**

"I would have much rather preferred never seeing you again, Malfoy."

"**How original. I trust you still remember Zabini."**

"Of course. Nice to see you again, Zabini."

"It's good to see you too, Granger."

"**So what brings you here? As I recall, you are none too fond of Quiddit-"**

"_Now, wait one moment. Is no one going to introduce me? Acknowledge me even?"_

"**Weaselette, we saw you just a few nights ago. I didn't realize that we needed to be reacquainted again."**

"_Of course we don't, it's just I'd like some sort of acknowledgement."_

"Wait, you ran into these two before today?"

"_Yeah."_

"When? And why did you not tell me?"

"_Like he said, a few nights ago. And I didn't tell you because I didn't think it was all that important."_

"A few nights ago? Where was I a few nights ago?"

"If I remember correctly, you were on a date, Granger."

"**Say, Granger, who were you out with anyway?"**

"None of your business, you stupid prat."

"**Bet he was hideous. You always did have the worst taste in men."**

"Right, because you choices in women were so much better."

"**Because beautiful, successful women were so obviously the wrong choices."**

"Who says my boyfriends weren't good-looking or successful?"

"**The two boyfriends you've ever had include Krum and Weasley. The first of who may have been successful but thoroughly lacking in the looks department, and latter who had neither the success nor the looks."**

"_Hey! That's my brother you're talking about! He isn't _that_ ugly, you know!"_

"**My sincerest apologies, Weasley."**

"Well, I'll have you know that I was out with the most gorgeous man who's had double your success."

"**And who, pray tell, is your imaginary boyfriend, Granger?"**

"I hardly think that matters, Malfoy. All you need to know is that he is twice the man you'll probably ever be."

"**If he's as perfect and ideal as you've pointed out, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't tell me who he is."**

"_Yeah, Hermione, why shouldn't you tell him? I mean, why keep it a secret?"_

"He has no right sticking his fat nose in my personal affairs, Ginny. Now, if you'll excuse us, Malfoy, we best find our seats before the-"

"_It's Oliver Wood."_

"**What?"**

"Ginny!"

"Wood? As in the Quidditch player Oliver Wood?"

_"The one and only." _

"Ginny!"

"_What? You know what they say, Hermione. If you've got it, flaunt it. You've snagged yourself a gorgeous boyfriend and now it's time for you to flaunt him for Merlin's sake. He deserves to be flaunted!"_

"**Are you telling me that Oliver Wood **_**willingly**_** went out with Granger?"**

"_Is that actually so hard for you to comprehend, Malfoy?"_

"What are you implying, Malfoy?"

"**I'm implying that Wood would never willingly take you out on a date."**

"_These are your last moments, Malfoy. Enjoy them while they last."_

"You have just crossed into very dangerous territory, Malfoy. She's sharpening her forks as we speak. What are your last words before you're emasculated?"

"**Shut up, Zabini."**

"So nice for you to think of your friend in your very last moments as a man, Malfoy."

"I swear to God, Malfoy, I am _this_ close to blowing your head off into oblivion!"

"**I'd like to see you try, Granger. With all these people as my witnesses, I'm sure it'll be no trouble sentencing you to Azkaban for my murder."**

"That's it!"

"**What's it?"**

"I'm not playing nice anymore, Malfoy. I tried to play nice; I even tried to get your mother to play nice, but not anymore."

"**What the hell are you talking about?"**

"You're going down. You and your father both. Your mother is going to take all that your father's sorry ass is worth and when she does, I'm going to be the one with the last laugh."

"**Are you threatening me, Granger? Because if you are-"**

"Oh, I most definitely am!"

"**-then I say bring it. Bring it on."**

"This is starting to sound disturbingly like one of those godawful teen movies."

"**Show me all you've got, Granger. Bring on your worst."**

"Don't you worry, Malfoy. I'll definitely bring it."

"And so the game begins."

_"Couldn't have said it better myself."_

* * *

**A/N:** End of chapter five. Hope you liked it. Please leave a review. Ideas and constructive criticism is always welcome. Thanks for reading. 

**Love always,**

_**Salle**_


	6. The Hunt of a Cougar

**A/N: **I feel terrible about not updating, but I'll be completely honest, my Harry Potter muse had been sort of failing me for the past couple of years. But it's reignited and while I can't guarantee regular and frequent updates, I can promise that I'll do my very best to entertain you and deliver the best material I possibly can. Also, please note the pen name change. Anyway, onto the long-delayed chapter!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything recognizable.

**YOU'VE GOT 0 MESSAGES**

**By: beautiful little fool  
**

**Summary: **"Draco, I just want you to know that as your mother I have always loved you. And again as your mother, I will continue you to love you, perhaps a little bit more, especially since Miss Granger will humiliate you in court." (Loosely based on _Laws of Attraction._)

* * *

**Chapter 6: The Hunt of a Cougar**

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Ferret Shit

From: Granger

Subject: Meeting

Malfoy,

Narcissa has finally relented and requested that both parties meet to discuss the distribution of assets. Inform your client and we'll proceed from there.

- Granger

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Mop Head

From: Malfoy

Subject: RE: Meeting

My client is wholly uninterested in discussing the distribution of _his_ assets. He may come around, we'll see.

- Malfoy

* * *

"_Malfoy. Spit it out. Bugger off."_

Beep!

"_What an atrocious greeting, Draco. Really. I thought I'd raised you better than that. Then again, you are your father's son through and through. Completely lacking in manners. Well, what can I do? It is what it is._

"_Anyway, I didn't call to lecture. I called to request your presence at a little party I'm hosting in honour of my newfound freedom. I'll expect you to arrive promptly at seven o'clock Saturday evening dressed in formal attire. You can extend this invitation to a lady friend should you wish to do so. Ta-ta for now."_

* * *

"She's gone nutters!"

"Or she's celebrating singlehood. I honestly don't know what the big deal is, Malfoy."

"She's absolutely barking mad, my mother is! I should have her locked up at St. Mungo's! Have her bloody institutionalized!"

"You are being complete arse-face. It's just a harmless little party."

"Are you actually _supporting_ this lunacy, Zabini?"

"If lunacy happens to be celebrating one's freedom, then yes, I whole-heartedly support it."

"_Celebrating one's freedom?!_ It's not like my father locked her up in a bloody cell, feeding her only bread and water for the past twenty-five years! He didn't enslave her and force her to do lick the bleeding toilets clean! The woman has not lifted a finger since she married my father! She's been living a life of luxury and frivolity, one full of spur of the moment trips to Milan, Sydney, Bejing, New York and the rest of the whole bloody planet! She threw about galleons like her life depended on it! Couldn't give a shit when father almost faced time in Azkaban! She was without any bloody care in the world! She was well taken care of! She's had plenty sodding freedom!"

"That's not necessarily freedom, Malfoy. And while I agree your mother can't really claim to have been imprisoned in her home, perhaps she felt the imprisonment in her marriage."

"Her _marriage_? Do you have your head and arse on straight, Zabini? My father couldn't give two knuts about what my mother did as long as it was decent and his name wouldn't be dragged through the mud. I reiterate: she was free to do as she pleased!"

"Maybe she felt trapped in a loveless marriage?"

"What in hell's name are you even talking about? My father loved my mother."

"How often would such sentiments be exchanged between them?"

"Often enough."

"Ever witness any of these tender moments?"

"They seemed to like a good romp in the bed. Quite frequent."

"You really must consider the possibility of a sex tape."

"You are foul, Zabini."

"Perhaps. Nevertheless, I doubt a few good romps a week can hardly constitute a loving relationship. It's all lust and sexual desires. Unless, of course, it was a term of agreement on your parents' bonding contract. Then, it just becomes a pain in the ass for both parties. Who wants to be _obligated_ to have sex? What if you're in a foul mood? Or too exhausted for such laborious physical activity?"

"…"

"What?"

"Sometimes, I wonder if you're a woman underneath all that male bravado."

"Don't make me laugh, Malfoy. I'm all male."

"Whatever. I simply cannot believe my mother is forcing me to attend this obscene gathering. And formal attire? Is she holding a debutante ball?"

"Don't worry. I'll be there as your moral support."

"I am not asking you to be my date, Zabini."

"Right, like I'd agree in the first place. As an 'eligible bachelor', your mother has requested my attendance and I've received my own invitation, thank you very much."

"…Is this a joke?"

"I don't joke about such matters. That was her precise wording. And, as a matter of fact, there wasn't even a 'plus one' on the invitation either."

"Merlin's balls! How many other 'eligible bachelors' do you suppose she's invited?"

"I would presume all of them if Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter have made the exclusive guest list."

"What! This is madness! How do you even know this?"

"Oh, the little Weasley and I have been keeping correspondence since we last met at the Quidditch match. Surprisingly, we get on smashingly well. I believe she also mentioned her own invitation as well."

"Oh, joy. I suppose she's invited all of Wizarding England with the exception of my father."

"Hmm… that would be the logical summation."

"Shut up, Zabini. By the way, you are officially fraternizing with the enemy and I don't think I can tell you anything in confidence anymore. Whatever I may tell you may somehow be relayed back to Granger. Far too risky."

"Please, my inability to keep a secret should be the last thing on your mind. You're the one with the loony mother, Malfoy. That should be your main concern at the moment, not who I happen to befriend."

"Bugger off."

"You hate it when I'm right."

* * *

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Hermione

From: Ginny

Subject: (none)

So I've just received this odd invitation from Narcissa Black for her "coming out again" party, whatever that means. Don't have a clue why she'd invite me or Ron and Harry for that matter (personally, I think she's gone a little nutters), but if it means free food and drinks, the boys and I are most definitely in.

I'll assume that you've been invited and I imagine we'd both need new dress robes for the occasion… So we're going shopping this afternoon. No excuses. Drop everything and come meet me at Madam Malkin's at four o'clock sharp. If you're not there, I'll come drag you by the hair.

-Ginny

P.S. Completely forgot to ask: are you bringing Wood as your date? I bet he looks absolutely yummy in dress robes. Though his splendid arse would be hidden beneath all that material. Such waste.

* * *

**Wizmail – REPLY**

To: Ginny

From: Hermione

Subject: RE: (none)

Unfortunately, I have no choice but to attend Narcissa's party being her attorney and all. She expects me to "support her in her endeavour back into the dating world". Translation: she's entering cougardom and she's on the prowl for younger, juicier meat. And I totally agree that she's gotten a bit mad as of late.

But I digress. As much as I probably should refuse your offer to go dress shopping, I really do need to get out of the office. Narcissa floos every hour or so wanting to know how I'm progressing on her divorce and I haven't the heart or the energy to tell her to just bloody bugger off and let me do my job. So I suppose I'll meet you at four.

And regarding Oliver. He's received an invitation of his own. Something about all eligible bachelors having to be in attendance. Serious cougar behaviour.

-Hermione

* * *

**Wizmail – NEW MESSAGE**

To: Granger

From: Draco Malfoy

Subject: DO YOUR DAMN JOB!!!

As her bloody lawyer you should be looking out for my mother's best interest, Granger. You shouldn't let her dilly-dally and host ridiculous parties for even more ridiculous occasions! My mother is officially nutters so you'd better keep her in check! She's your goddamn responsibility!

Do you know that she's invited anyone and everyone with whom I have ever associated? She's invited all my friends and acquaintances, Granger, and it is fucking mortifying! They'll assume I'm loony by association! And I cannot have that mar my reputation! Everything is at stake here, so you'd better get a handle on my mother and make sure she refrains from other foolish activities and doesn't do any more damage to the Malfoy name or so help me God, Granger! So help me God!

* * *

"_I am in no way associated with Narcissa Black. She is _not_ my mother."_

Beep!

"_You stupid prat! Who do you think you are? Honestly? To have the gall to Wizmail me and order me to take responsibility for _your_ mother?! You are every bit as looney as she is!_

"_You mistake me for something else, Malfoy. I am not your mother's babysitter, I'm her Godforsaken _lawyer_! That's right, her lawyer! My duty, as far as your mother's concerned, includes me looking after her impending divorce and ensuring that you and your git of a father don't dupe the poor woman out of everything she has! I don't interfere in her personal life and I could care less that she's throwing a party in celebration of her newfound bachelorettehood. In fact, I could care even less if she decided to have fireworks explode in her backyard every time she starts her menses! That's _her _business, not _mine_!_

"_Look, she's your mother, Malfoy. Maybe you should be looking after her and making sure she doesn't get into trouble. Narcissa is a bit, for a lack of a better word, lost right now. For the past twenty-five years of her life she's been Lucius Malfoy's wife. She hadn't had an identity of her own and she's genuinely confused and struggling to get her bearings. I know you're representing your father, Malfoy, but your mother needs you as well. She's not half as strong and independent as she fronts herself to be. It's tough for her so ease up a bit, would you, and just be there for her for once?_

"_Anyway, I've got to go. Narcissa's calling. Again. Seventh time today…_

"…_*Sigh*While I thoroughly hate having to stoop so low as to ask a Malfoy for a favour, do you think – er – you could ask her to let up on the phone calls and floos? Maybe limit them to two per week? You know, while you're being there for her and all? It's driving me batty and I have a feeling she'll probably listen to you."_

* * *

"I like the green one on you better."

"Ginny, I told you, the neckline is far too low."

"Hermione, the green dress makes you look like a very alluring, very sensual fairy. You know, with your curls and that green just shimmering all over you body-"

"Except the cleavage."

"Your cleavage speaks volumes on its own. You don't need any sodding material covering it up."

"What's wrong with this black one? It's really business-like and I'd like to maintain some air of professionalism."

"That black one makes you look like a nun mourning the death of a troll. And besides, this is a _party_ not a stupid business conference."

"Ginny, the green dress is far too provocative-"

"I bet Wood would love you in it."

"…"

"So…?"

"Okay, fine!"

"Ha! I knew you'd give in once I mentioned Wood."

"I didn't pick it because of him!"

"Oh, yeah? Then, why did you pick it?"

"Because…"

"You're stalling. It's because of Wood."

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Is not!"

"Then, why are you blushing?"

"…"

"Don't worry, Hermione. I'm sure he's going to want to ravish you after seeing you in it."

* * *

"_Hermione Granger, here. I can't answer your call at the moment so leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."_

Beep!

"_Granger, sorry for my earlier outburst. However, I can't really comply with your demands that I take care of my mother. My father expects complete loyalty from me and so while I'd love to be the one to lock my mother up in a loony bin and visit every so often to make sure she's still alive and breathing, I'm afraid I'm going to have to hand off that responsibility to your somewhat capable hands for the time being. I can't be there for both my parents while this is going on. There would be too much manipulation on their part and too many biases on mine to ensure that the divorce is handled carefully and effectively. It would just get far too messy and complicated._

"_As for my mother's constant floos and calls, she just needs someone to talk to. Like you said, she's a bit lonely these days. When it gets to be a pain, have your receptionist intercept all calls and floos and distract her with conversation. Most preferably about frivolous things. My mother doesn't really care for the serious things in life. Obviously."_

_

* * *

_**A/N: **Hope you enjoyed it. Drop a review. They always inspire me to continue writing.

_- beautiful little fool_


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